Disappear

I’m honestly trying to write a little more. It’s not that I have any more to say than usual, I have just seen more that I feel like is worth sharing. I’m hoping that one of these posts will reach the person it’s supposed to help.

Scrolling Facebook tonight I saw a quote that said “sometimes you think you want to disappear, when really you just want to be found.” I wish that I had come up with something so simply eloquent to describe that feeling I have felt so frequently in my life.

If you’ve been with me for a while you understand that sense of self and my own identity is something I have struggled with. From listening to what others said about me, trying to change to suit those around me, all the way to the detrimental way that I have talked to myself it’s been contentious at best.

That quote made me think of all of the times that I have wanted to run away. My misery doesn’t love company, it honestly likes to be left alone. That fact leads me to withdraw since I can’t run from the problems. I internalize and deal with it alone. I don’t want to trouble anyone with my pain so I end up causing me trauma to save others a burden.

One thing I found a couple of years ago is internalizing all of these feelings had changed the person I was. I realized that all those years of repression had left me a man I didn’t know, one that I was very, very unhappy with. This man caused me great pain just being himself, which was who I had created him to be.

I have spent the last few years trying to tear down the walls I had created out of hurt. I have been tearing them down looking for the Brad I used to be, looking for the Brad I miss, the Brad I love. While this is still a work in progress, I am still a work in progress, I am making progress. I can see parts of the old me in my actions, hear it in my laugh, see it in my smile.

As you struggle with where you are, as you long for a change, make sure you’re doing it for the right reason. Don’t waste energy on trying to disappear when true peace comes from truly being found.

I love you.