Man it’s been a while since I’ve written. I often miss it, I think about it all of the time. Writing carried through some very dark days, allowed me to clear the clutter from my mind, and may have helped a few people along the way – that is my hope anyway. It’s not that my life has gotten any easier. It’s not that I’ve gotten it all figured out. It’s that I got too busy trying to direct my own circumstances instead of placing my trust where it should have been in the beginning.
Today in church I came to the realization that I am not good at praying. I’ve known it for a while I just normally refrain while in public. I don’t have the best words, I don’t know all of the scriptures that I need at the time by chapter and verse. So when I pray in front of people I feel very self conscious, and uneasy.
You’d think that being bad at something wouldn’t affect me that way. To be honest I am bad at a ton of things. I think I would run out of paper before I ran out of things I could list that I’m bad at. I’m bad at playing musical instruments, the Lord knows I have tried and tried to no avail. I am bad at a lot of sports, you can tell which ones because those are the ones I won’t play. I am terrible at video games, computer things, sometimes being a good father, often times being a good friend, and more times in my life than I will ever admit I have been very bad at being a good person.
I’m not proud of any of this, I want to be better, I want to be good at everything. I always wanted to be a musician, a star athlete, a friend everyone could count on, and a father my kids can be proud of. Now I’m not always bad at these things, sometimes I knock it out of the park, and sometimes it’s a short hopper straight back to the mound for an easy out.
Throughout it all GOD loves me. He hasn’t left me. He hasn’t forsaken me. He hasn’t turned his back on me one time. He is making me a better person, even if folks on the outside can’t see it. I’m becoming a better father and grandfather. I’m becoming a better friend. I’m becoming a better version of the man God placed on this Earth to Love the people around me.
While my prayer out loud, in public, might not be able to tear down walls, the conversations I have had with God on my knees have opened prisons and torn off chains that I was sure would kill me.
You don’t have to be good at everything, GOD and I Love YOU, very much. Have a great week!
Brad
