Where’s my flashlight?

I find inspiration in life, in things I hear, things I read, and things that happen to me. Sometimes I find inspiration in pain, in failure, but I don’t write I push it down so I don’t have to deal with it. I keep it bottled up because honestly who cares.

Sometimes it takes a little nudge, a prod of someone new to get these thoughts out. In church today we had a guest speaker. He is telling a story of doubt and hurt. His story ended or began depending on how you look at it, at the question “where’s my flashlight?” For him the question was based around why others seem to be seeing God’s influence but he was left.

While this question may seem to be so unimportant to you this question changed my day, maybe my life. I have been so lost, in so much pain for so long. I have doubted everyone’s ability to love me. It’s not that they haven’t shown me, it’s based in my inability to accept it. I have experienced so much doubt in God’s ability to love me. I am so unlovable, so broken, so useless God made a mistake with me.

This question helped me to understand while I feel so alone I’m not. I’m not the only one who doubts, I’m not the only one who questions, I’m not alone in thinking God has forsaken me. I have been separated from God by choices I’ve made, by the actions of others, by accepting things said about me by people I held so high as truth, without considering what God says about me.

What I’ve never been is separated from God because he left, he has always been in the same place while I have run so far I couldn’t see the foot of the cross. God I have faith, I may lose sight of it. I am not the person you created me to be, but I’m on my way. I fail you daily, every second of we’re being honest but I’m trying. I want to end this life fulfilling your calling for me, I need you to move me out of my way.

It’s ok to lose your way, it’s ok to need help to find the path. It is not ok to accept where you are because someone told you that’s all you’d ever be. We are wonderfully made.

God I believe, but help me with my unbelief.

I love you.