Trepidation

I love words, specifically the English language. Maybe it’s because I don’t know another one. When I was growing up I developed an affinity for the big words. Everyone that used them always seemed so much smarter than I. Truth is they probably were and the use of those words just highlighted that fact. I decided to learn these what we in the south called “fifty cent” words. After deciding I would learn them I decided it was important to learn how to use them.

One of my favorite words I learned was trepidation. Trepidation is defined as a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen. For me it has always been difficult for me to admit I was scared, to admit I feared something. So it was easier using trepidation.

So I come to you today in trepidation. I am uneasy, uncertain, more unsure than I have ever been. I fear I am spiraling down into a dark abyss, which is nothing new, but this time it feels different. This time it feels like there is no light.

This fear is gnawing at me. It is eating away at my happiness, eroding my joy, destroying my self worth. I am heading into the new normal more unhappy than ever before. I’m not sure how to rectify this situation. This pain is not caused by an outside force it is internal. I don’t have a fear for my life but more for my mind, a fear for my light, fear for my soul.

I have written before that if you can’t find the light, be the light. I can’t be a light when I no longer feel a reason to shine, can no longer see things worth illuminating, would rather be in the dark so no one can see me breakdown.

I don’t want a lot in this life honestly. I want the ones I love to be happy, I want them all to be healthy, and when I’m gone I want to be remembered for the way I loved.

God, I need that love right now. Help me to overcome this trepidation. If you’re a believer could you pray for me? I would appreciate each and everyone.

I love you.