The Worst Days

I know I write a lot about sadness or hurt, it’s because I am more familiar with that than anything else. I have often struggled with, cried about, wrestled with, or run from the pain. I have also accepted, embraced, and maybe even enjoyed the pain. I know that last one sounds ridiculous and it did when I typed those words. What I am struggling with now is the fact that there are so many different ways to handle the same feeling.

I have struggled with pain for a great deal of my life. Those feelings of doubt and discomfort. The realization that you aren’t good enough for someone, that you don’t fit in their box. I have wrestled with my own feelings of self worth. I have had trouble loving me, but found a way to love others. I have cried tears to the point that everyone who knows me knows exactly what I look like with tears streaming down my face. To some this looks like a weak man, for me I boast in my weakness. Then there are some things that happen in your life that are so painful you just run.

I have found myself accepting hurt as well. I have on occasion embraced the pain. Getting joy out of being in pain because it was my comfort zone. I have allowed myself to be so engrossed so entrenched that I couldn’t see out of it. I have enjoyed the pain because it’s what I was used to. I have accepted the pain because that is where I believed I belonged. Pain was my destiny.

During this season of doubt and unbelief I have found myself languishing in my own misery. Not trying to dig myself out but getting more comfortable on the bottom. As counterproductive as this may seem I have recently taken up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. In this sport we are taught that some of the greatest victories, some of the strongest moves, and the champions of the sport all come from the bottom. You gain peace when you are on the bottom as long as you trust the technique.

Life is no different. Your greatest victory can come from being comfortable on the bottom as long as you understand the technique. That’s what I am working on now gaining comfort in the process. Finding hope in knowing that while you are on the bottom God is with you. Feeling joy when you praise his name in the darkness. Understanding that his Love has always been with you even on your worst days.

When in doubt, pray; when in pain, praise; and when all else fails, Love. Can we all be thankful that our worst days are only 24 hours, that we don’t have to be alone at the bottom, and that God’s Love is always sufficient.

I love you.