bradglenn79

This is a story about my life, who knows it may be your story as well. When we hear prison we don’t think anything good. There is very little if any positive connotation in that word. I think we can all agree no one wants to go to prison, give up your freedom, to be at someone else’s mercy all of the time. So if we are in agreement on that why do we build prisons around us and then throw away the key, or at least hide it for far too long? Now before you check-out on me, these prisons are real, they are detrimental, and without tearing down the prison they are inescapable.

I have spent the last few days at the ARC Conference, listening to some of the most gifted and anointed speakers, both on stage, in the halls, and even sitting around the house with my Pastor chatting about the day. I have been with thousands of people who are living their calling and sharing Jesus with the world. One of the messages was written for and preached right to me.

I know they say the Lord works in mysterious ways so I guess that’s why a well known preacher managed climb into my mind and share my deepest fears. Jimmy Rollins preached on inner prisons. He told us about the three kind of walls that make up the prisons.

The first he talked about was the “wall of isolation”. When we get in a stressful season we like to separate us from family, friends, and community. We don’t want to trouble others with our problems, we don’t want to be a burden.

Then he talked about the “wall of insulation “. We insulate ourselves from everyone. We tell ourselves we are the only one going through this. No one would understand my struggle.

The third was the “wall of insecurity”. Living in doubt, not feeling good enough. I can’t share my problems because people will see the real me. I can’t let them in because they won’t love me.

Now I’ll be the first to tell you these prisons don’t look like you might expect. These prisons are hiding behind a smile, they are hidden inside a joke that brings laughter to a crowded room, they are often wrapped up in one of the most comforting hugs you can imagine. Being inside of their own prison doesn’t stop someone from appearing happy, from bringing happiness to others, or from showing love to those around them.

I am working to put my prison out of business, to escape, to tear down the walls that have held my happiness hostage, so please pardon my construction. I am thankful for the smiles, thankful for the prayers, and most importantly thankful for the love I have received from the people in my life. I will be better today than I was yesterday and I will be even better tomorrow.

If you’re going through the same struggle as me then today take a step to escape that prison, put it out of business, start to destroy the walls you have built. Let others love you and let your light shine. God created you to stand out.

I love you.

My writing has been sparse here lately. Not because I don’t have anything to say or because I don’t have anything going on. Maybe I have been shying away from writing because I have too much going on, too much to say, or too many feelings fighting to get out of my all too cluttered mind.

Lately the feelings of not being enough have been taking over me. They consume every waking second. I try to fill up every second so there isn’t a second for me to deal with those feelings. These feelings come from so much pain and hurt when I was younger, so many feelings that I ran from or pushed down so I didn’t have to deal with them.

Was I ever truly enough for anyone? Was my best ever good enough? Was I ever worthy of being loved, for who I was, not just what I could or would do? Would I ever hear that I was?

I have told you before there has been a lot of loss in my family, in my life. I know it’s something we all deal with, but in the last few years the loss has come like an unrelenting hurricane. There has been some kind of misfortune, unfortunate event, or the death of a loved one every time I turn around it seems.

One of the most circulated idioms we as Christians have is “God gives his hardest tests to his strongest soldiers”. If I am to believe that’s true then God thinks I am much much stronger than I am. I can’t find that anywhere biblically so I am going to call that false. God gives us more than we can handle every day of our life, in hopes that we turn to him to find strength. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. The most important part to take note of is that it doesn’t say I can do all things “By My Self”.

I am struggling with these feelings as my Daddy lays in an ICU bed on a ventilator. I spent most of my feeling like he didn’t love me, like he didn’t want me, like I was an embarrassment to him. Why else wouldn’t a father want to have his son with him all the time, why else wouldn’t he be there to get me when he said he would, why else would he have chosen living his life without me than with me? I have cried tears of sadness, hurt, and mostly anger over that for so many years.

When I was grown I started to understand that it wasn’t a me problem. My daddy loved me with his whole heart he just struggled with other things. My daddy wanted me in his life but didn’t want to expose me to things he was dealing with. My daddy wasn’t embarrassed by me. It took a long time for me to understand he wasn’t a bad daddy he done all he could to protect me.

If you have a minute to spare say a prayer for my Daddy. He is a great man who I love more than he even knows.

I love you and thank you.

Horses are amazing creatures. They are revered for their strength, their beauty, and their enduring spirit. They have been used for war, for work, for leisure and even for therapy. Have you ever wondered where these beautiful animals would go if they had no fences?

Where would you go if you had no fence, no barriers, nothing holding you back? You are created with the strength and beauty of Christ. You have been given a truly enduring spirit. You also have intelligence and love.

Now the question becomes, what is holding you back? Why are you not going out and loving? Why are you not using the gifts God gave you?

For me it’s fear, it’s doubt, it’s uncertainty. I often doubt my purpose in this life. I know that God has given everyone gifts to use to glorify him here on Earth. Some days I feel like maybe I wasn’t in line when he was handing out gifts.

There are several places in the Bible that talks about spiritual gifts, where we are told of all of the different gifts we could’ve been given. I am smart enough to know that a lot of these gifts are not ones that I possess. In Romans 12:7 it says about gifts “if it’s serving, serve; if it’s teaching, then teach”. I can take joy in knowing that if I can do nothing else I can serve.

When you find your gift use it, often, every chance you get. No matter what it is share it. We are given gifts to use to glorify God who gave them to us. When using your gift do it with a smile, knowing that people are seeing Jesus through you, you sometimes are their only connection.

I love you

Ninety two point nine six million miles away lies the biggest star in our solar system. It was breathed into existence by God and commanded to illuminate the world. We see the sun for approximately half of the day depending on the time of year. One thing that is certain though is when we can’t see the sun it still shines. When the sun goes beyond the horizon we are all confident about it breaking the other plane and beginning to shine again in a few hours.

The same God that illuminated the sun and stars with a simple “Let there be light” formed you from the dirt of the earth. There are two things you need to know about that, write them down on your mental notepad or post them on your fridge.

The first one is you are created in his image, in his likeness. You were perfectly created made by God as his most treasured creation. You were created out of Love to be Loved and to show Love. I know I talk a lot about love and it’s because I think that’s the easiest thing to do, and the one we overlook the most.

As I was sitting here pondering the first point I realized that the second point is harder for me to hang on to. Man was created from the dirt of the Earth, which I get the part the I struggle with is we weren’t left in the dirt. In Genesis 1:26 it says “Then God said “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all of the creatures that move along the ground.”

We were created by our God in his image to be Rulers. Why do we worry ourselves over things we can’t control, over things that aren’t fit to occupy our mind. Why can we not step into today into a new week and approach it as a conqueror. Give God your day, declare today will be a day where people see God through me, through all that I do, say, and how I act. There is no greater act of leading than serving.

Go out today and be a leader, be a ruler, serve someone, love someone. Let’s strive to be more like Jesus today.

I love y’all.

I often have a hard time finding good in me as a person. Like most I tend to see my flaws more than my good side. I believe it’s because I know those flaws, I have studied them for decades, they are easy to spot, and sometimes people feel it necessary to point them out. Trust me if you can see them rest assured they have caused me more discomfort than you can imagine.

Being so ultra critical of myself has often led me into a long dark chasm that is often hard to escape. In this chasm you tend to let things pass you by, life, love, friendships, happiness, and for me my calling. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t know what God has called me to do with this life he has so graciously provided, but I know there is something. As ordinary as I am I feel that God will use me to change someone’s life one day, and it will all be for his glory.

Sunday at church we had Pastor Robbie Robison guest preach. He spoke right to my soul that morning. His message was on belonging. I honestly have always struggled with belonging because “if they know the real me, they won’t want me” “if they see the real me, they will see how worthless I am” “they won’t like the real Brad, they only like the need I fill”.

As he’s preaching about belonging and his trials as a student minister, I started to realize that maybe the doubt I’m experiencing is actually the devil trying to prevent me from changing someone’s life for God. Maybe the people who doubt me, the people who question my worth, the people who have asked “do you know who he is” or “do you know what he does” are speed bumps on the road to change. They are meant to divert me from achieving God’s plan for my life. This was solidified when he said his former pastor told him “Big Trains don’t stop for barking dogs”.

Don’t let the big train that God is driving in your life get derailed by a barking dog. Put on your seatbelt and realize that this track is going to be long and travel may be bumpy, but your reward in the end far surpasses and trouble now.

I love you.

I have seen a video going around on Facebook of a UCLA basketball player chin down looking defeated, when a teammate walks up pats him on the back and then lifts his chin. To most this will seem unimportant even trivial. I’m here to tell you it is anything but trivial.

In our society we are often beaten up over so many things. We are made to feel like we are not good enough. We are led to believe if we don’t have a nice car, a nice house, a college degree, or a job making a lot of money then we are failures. In a world where you can often feel so alone, allowed to feel like a failure, why would we not want to lift up the people we care about?

This small gesture told his teammate everything was ok, I’m here for you, I care about your feelings, it showed him he was loved. As Christians we are called to love each other, we are to be compassionate, we are to stand together, we are a “community”, we are His Church. We are the hands and feet of God and we have to care for each other here on Earth.

When you see someone down, defeated, depressed, make sure they know they are loved, make sure they know they are good enough, make sure they understand they are made in God’s image fearfully and wonderfully made.

From the sermon on the mount Jesus says “May your kingdom come soon, May your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven” Matthew 6:10. Jesus is calling for us to bring heaven to Earth. If we show compassion, caring and Love to those on Earth wouldn’t that bring a little heaven to our current address? Let’s stop making excuses and start changing lives!

I love you.

Some days things just line up. No matter how rough your day, your week, or your last few years has seemed, sometimes it only takes the right word from a friend to make it ok. I have learned you need to surround yourself with people who will tell you the hard truths because those people will also be willing to tell you what you need to hear even if you aren’t sure what it is you need.

As a Christian we are trying to live like Jesus. We will fall short, we will become weak, we will sin, but we will try to be a better person everyday. Today I went to Love on the city with some guys from my church. We went to laundromats in the area and passed out laundry soap, dryer sheets, and quarters. We had conversations about life, about church, and about God. As small as this gesture seemed to us to some of these people it is the only love they see from “Church” people.

Events like this are one of the things I enjoy the most about my church. We are called as part of the church to go out into the community and to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are the body of Christ on this earth and we should long to bring heaven to Earth. Sometimes you are the only Jesus people see, I have taken that statement to heart.

What do I need most from Jesus? The unfailing, unconditional Love that he showed us when he left his throne and came to Earth to die for our sins. So if this is what I need the most why would I not go out and show Love as often as I could, to people who aren’t necessarily like me, who may be considered less than by some standards, but are God’s creations just as I am?

With all of that said I have to get to what brought this post about. As I was talking to one of my friends I was told “if I was asked what stood out most about you I would say Love.” That was one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. I was told that if I died today he would tell people about how much I loved, he would tell about my heart. Out of all of the wrong I’ve done, all the times I fall short, all of the mistakes I have made, my heart would be the thing he most remembered.

What will you be remembered for? God Loves you, why not share that Love with people who have never experienced it?

I love y’all.

I’m gonna start this post with an unarguable point. You are not enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not good looking enough, and all together not good enough. As mean and discouraging as that sounds I hope you continue reading.

Now let me clarify something before you all click that back button. We as people are generally our biggest critics, we are hardest on the ones we expect the most out of, and we generally expect the most out of ourselves. With that being said some of us read those first couple of lines thinking “He doesn’t have to tell me I already know.” That’s the way I read it even though I wrote it. Let’s go over some things you are qualified for.

First off you are smart enough to tell people about your faith. You are smart enough to be able to express how much God means to you and how you come to find Christ. You are smart enough to step out of your comfort zone and pray with someone, or to lead them to a relationship with Jesus.

You are strong enough to make it through everything that has been placed in front of you. You are strong enough to be honest with ones you love. You are strong enough to cry. You are strong enough to conquer the world as long as you know where your strength comes from, and as long as that strength comes from Jesus.

You are good looking enough to make a difference in someone’s life. You are good looking enough to be happy. You are good looking enough to be truly loved.

Now let’s get back to the title. You are not enough and never will be enough to win salvation. Jesus says “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me” in John 14:6. In Ephesians 2:9 Paul tells us “Salvation is not a reward for good works we’ve done, so none of us can boast about it”. So no matter what we do, have, feel, or who you are, you are not enough. Thankfully we don’t have to be enough, all we have to do is give our lives fully and wholly to God who gave his son so we could be saved.

I am a child of God, not because I’m good enough, not because I am worthy, but because he loved me before I knew how to love.

I love y’all.

Saw a post on Facebook that said “If someone gave you a box of all you had ever lost, what would be the first thing you looked for?” That question hit me hard this morning. I started thinking of all of the stuff I had ever lost. There’s been toys, games, there’s been tools, lots and lots of tools. Then I started to think of the more important stuff, the pets, the friends, and the family.

I could easily start with my best dog. For you that don’t know I had a dog years ago named Precious. That dog was like my first baby. Honestly she was the best dog ever. She was according to some a bit spoiled. She would only drink bottled water when we would go out, she had to ride in the front seat so she knew where we were going, and she slept in the bed with me right by my legs every night. I miss that dog terribly, but she wouldn’t be the first thing I looked for.

I could also start with all of the family I have lost. I have lost some of the most influential people I could’ve ever hoped to have had. There have been so many in laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, and mentors that have passed. My Poppy who I have the best memories with. I can remember sitting on his lap driving his truck, him buying a BB gun and teaching me to shoot, and one of my favorites is when at 5 years old he taught me to drive the riding lawnmower. He didn’t teach me so I could mow grass he taught me because I wanted to drive. I haven’t heard his voice in over 30 years, though I can still hear him singing “That’s my job” by Conway Twitty. As much as I love my Poppy he wouldn’t even be the first thing I looked for.

I wouldn’t look for money, toys, games, tools, or any of the things that I had lost. So now we are down to the stuff that is harder to quantify. I have lost respect from others for things I’ve done. I’ve lost self respect for the way I have lived at times. I have lost love, I have lost happiness, I have lost joy, I have lost time, I guess most importantly at one point I felt like I had lost God. The thing I lost that hurts the most, that I would look for first is Myself. I allowed myself to be twisted through life. I allowed myself to be distorted to conform. I allowed myself to become someone who I don’t always love, who I rarely like, and who I don’t place much value in.

I would look to find the Brad that I love, I would look to find the Brad I lost. Luckily when I felt like I lost God I hadn’t, thankfully when I don’t see a Brad worthy of love God does, and gracefully God sees a Brad worthy of a place on this planet with a purpose in his kingdom. I will find myself and I will Love me the way that God does. I am worthy, I am good enough, and I do deserve happiness.

I love y’all.

A lot of you who know me, know that I have no problems sharing my feelings, no problem telling you that I love you, no problem letting you know when you have done something that bothered me. One thing I do have trouble with is my identity. I struggle with who I am, with who people want me to be, and with who God says that I am.

One thing I am positive about is that I am not nor will I ever be perfect. If I haven’t let you down yet I will. I have let down everyone who has ever counted on me, not because I wanted to or because I didn’t care. I have let them down because I am not who they expected, not who they wanted, and not who they thought I was.

I’m not sure who I am supposed to be. I want to be a good person, I want to love everyone, and sometimes most importantly I want to be loved. I feel that I lived a life that doesn’t warrant forgiveness, understanding, or love honestly.

Luckily for me all of my shortcomings, all of my failures, all of the times I have let everyone down has not separated me from God’s love. Regardless of what people see on the outside, from their glass castles God can use a failure like me for good. He can turn even my mess into a message. He can be glorified through my pain he can reach someone through my struggles. For that I am undeserving, unworthy, and oh so grateful.

Thank you God for your grace being sufficient when my life here on earth hasn’t been. If God can use me think of the lives he can change through each of you.

I love you.