bradglenn79

Not the way you plan on spending a Saturday morning, gathered in a socially distanced group, outside of a church, while friends lay their father to rest, but today it was right where I needed to be. I struggle through funerals whether it’s someone close or not because I know the pain associated with losing someone. This one was no different, but it was completely different.

As I am standing there listening to the reverend talk about their father what stood out was the importance of family. How much he loved his and how much they loved him. Two of his sons at different points in my life have been some of my best friends. Seeing their pain of losing their father, tempered with the knowledge that he’s no longer suffering was nice to be a witness to.

It did bring out the fragility of life. How someone so strong and so important could be gone so quickly. Someone who to his boys seemed like Superman at times would leave them before they were ready.

It brings about thoughts of my own mortality. Have I done enough with what I was blessed with? Have a loved my family in a way they will look back on and smile? Has my life been spent too far from God for him to welcome me into forever? Has my message reached one heart, and changed one life for the better?

If you’re like me and you wonder these questions or more like them maybe we should change. Maybe we should live for the memories created. We should start to measure our success in life with the lives we’ve touched, the smiles we’ve brought about, and the hearts we’ve changed. Rather than the zeroes in our bank account.

As we muddle through these uncharted times let us never again waste a moment. Never let an opportunity to tell someone how you feel slip through your fingers. There is no way of knowing how fleeting those opportunities may be.

Rest easy Scott, as you will be missed here you have found your riches in the presence of our God.

I love y’all.

I love words, specifically the English language. Maybe it’s because I don’t know another one. When I was growing up I developed an affinity for the big words. Everyone that used them always seemed so much smarter than I. Truth is they probably were and the use of those words just highlighted that fact. I decided to learn these what we in the south called “fifty cent” words. After deciding I would learn them I decided it was important to learn how to use them.

One of my favorite words I learned was trepidation. Trepidation is defined as a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen. For me it has always been difficult for me to admit I was scared, to admit I feared something. So it was easier using trepidation.

So I come to you today in trepidation. I am uneasy, uncertain, more unsure than I have ever been. I fear I am spiraling down into a dark abyss, which is nothing new, but this time it feels different. This time it feels like there is no light.

This fear is gnawing at me. It is eating away at my happiness, eroding my joy, destroying my self worth. I am heading into the new normal more unhappy than ever before. I’m not sure how to rectify this situation. This pain is not caused by an outside force it is internal. I don’t have a fear for my life but more for my mind, a fear for my light, fear for my soul.

I have written before that if you can’t find the light, be the light. I can’t be a light when I no longer feel a reason to shine, can no longer see things worth illuminating, would rather be in the dark so no one can see me breakdown.

I don’t want a lot in this life honestly. I want the ones I love to be happy, I want them all to be healthy, and when I’m gone I want to be remembered for the way I loved.

God, I need that love right now. Help me to overcome this trepidation. If you’re a believer could you pray for me? I would appreciate each and everyone.

I love you.

You often find out so much about yourself at the end of your rope. You find what you will tolerate from others. You realize how much you will allow even yourself to get away with. Finally and maybe most importantly you become comfortable with how much strength you have to hold on even when you don’t want to.

One thing I have learned about my rope is for others it often seems endless. I will allow people to treat me however they see fit, and will love them regardless. I’m not sure if it’s fear of abandonment, fear of not being loved, or maybe I’m just trying to show people the love I have always wanted.

The second part was a bit harder to stomach. Why does my rope appear to flow limitless from heaven for those around me, but with me it’s a very short tether to a very big tree? I don’t seem to have enough rope to get out of my own way. I tend to get tangled up in it at which point it limits my movement, my thinking, even my breathing. I have a low tolerance for Brad, and often feel like that is a sentiment shared amongst everyone else.

The strength is the hardest part for me to get a handle on. I don’t know how much strength I have, I don’t know if I am strong enough to tie a knot at the end of the proverbial rope and hold on. With everything going on in the world and everything going on in my little corner I am struggling. I’m a big guy so I’m used to weight but this weight is becoming so unbearable.

At this time I’m going to do all I know to do, I’m going to pray. I will pray for health, as we navigate through our everyday. I will pray for guidance, in hopes that the Lord will point me to places where I can lighten my load if only for a minute. I will pray for strength, to bear all of this hurt, failure, and discomfort I have weighing on my heart, occupying my mind, and eating at my soul. Lastly I will pray for Love, the kind of unconditional Love that we can only find in our creator. As I sit here at the end of my rope in tears God, I give it all to you.

Even when I find it hard to love me, I Love You!

I know I talk about my church a lot. It’s honestly because it feels more like a family. I get together every Sunday with some of my best friends on earth and in that environment I can feel accepted, appreciated, and loved. One of the best things about my church are the small groups.

Small groups are a huge part of our church, we long to be a church made up of small groups and not a church with small groups. What small groups are, are gatherings of different groups of people throughout the week with the goal of growing closer together and growing closer to God. There are different locations, different leaders, different demographics, and different topics based on common interests.

One of the groups I am in is called Freedom. This is a curriculum started in a related church that we have began going through. The purpose of this group is to find freedom in your relationship with Jesus. While I have been working on my relationship with Jesus I have not truly found freedom.

We are currently in week five and the topic of today was “Heart Problems.” We listened to a video that unpacked the problems that we had in our heart that kept us from freedom. We learned about all of the toxins that we let in and the blockages that were holding us back. Our homework was to ask God to show me, the blockages, change me to eliminate them, and fill me up with the Holy Spirit so I don’t yearn to fill the emptiness with things of this world. The first response question after the video set my mind spinning. What is the one blockage that is keeping you from freedom?

My mind running at top speed because out of the four blockages, I now needed to find one, I needed to take this entire mess and decide which one was holding me back. God is it possible that I am so much worse than everyone else? Am I so messed up that I can’t be fixed? Am I so broken that I can’t be used. Everyone had one that was standing in their way God I have all four listed and probably some that weren’t.

The first was selfishness. This I have struggled with for so long. Not necessarily for stuff but for acceptance, for clout, I have always wanted to make a difference. For years I wanted to make a difference so people would know my name. I wanted the fame and fortune. I wanted everyone to know who Brad is. Now I can honestly say I am selfish about wanting to make a difference for God. I want to be the one God chooses to use, I want to be one who moves the needle for the kingdom. While it’s a better reason it’s still a selfish desire.

Next was bitterness. I have planted bitter seeds so often in my life and allowed them to grow into discord. I have watered these seeds with tears, fertilized them with disdain and harvested them in sorrow. I have harbored bitterness for people I didn’t even know because the things they had said about me were relayed to me in anonymity. I have held these words against those faceless individuals and allowed it to stop me from doing what I truly felt like God had called me to do.

Then came probably the one that hit me the hardest, rejection. This one holds a special place in my heart. I have an amazing memory, specifically for all of the hurtful things that have been said. I can remember in the third grade being told I wasn’t smart enough. I can remember being told in high school I wasn’t good enough. I can remember being told I was never going to be enough, more than a few times in my life. I can remember being told I wasn’t Godly enough. I have held on to that rejection, I have let it define me for most of my life. I have listened to the words of people and not the promises of my father.

We rounded out the list with evil thoughts. These aren’t necessarily wishing evil on someone. Some of these seem as innocent as “if it feels good so it.” That is where we find greed, pride, hate, and lust. I have struggled mightily with those, some way more than others. Some of those are the very reasons I have disqualified myself for the glory of God. Those are the things that have allowed me to think that while Jesus died for sins, it wasn’t the same for me. While God’s grace is sufficient for covering your sins, mine would not be forgiven as easily or as freely.

So while everyone is going through their one thing, their stumbling block, their heart bypass I am feeling like I need an entire transplant. While they discuss the thing standing in their way I sit in silence wondering how I could’ve fallen so far and why God would love me. I honestly felt like God told me that while my flaws are many his Love is greater. While I have fallen so far I can’t always see him I am still in his loving gaze cradled in his hand.

God I know I haven’t lived for you, I know I have so much to remove to make room for you, I know that I am loved, I know that you knew I was going to fall and you have never forsaken me.

What’s separating you? What is it going to take to clear it? What are you waiting on?

I love you.

What is your job? Does your job fulfill you? Was your job a blessing from God to get you through, or do you feel like it was what you were destined to do?

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10. Paul wrote this to the church in Ephesus while he was in prison. He told of how much God loved us, how he had chosen us before the universe was created, and how he gave us redemption through the blood of Jesus Christ.

This brings me back to the verse. We are created to do good works, that were prepared in advance for us to do. This means you were made to do a job.

As many of you know I do HVAC work, is that what I was created to do? No I don’t think that’s what the verse is referring to. I believe the verse is referring to work that will further the word of God and grow the kingdom of God. I do believe that through HVAC I get to help people and love people which I believe I was created to do.

I go into all of that not to talk about my job, but to ask a question. The end of the verse says that God has prepared in advance for us to do. You were born with a job to do. So if you’re not doing it, is it getting done? If you were called to Love someone that you can’t tolerate is that person being loved? If you are called to tell the world about Jesus and you don’t, how many people will not know? If you were created to change the world, and you sit back and do nothing, how can you ever feel fulfillment?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really at a loss as to what I was created to do. In Mark 12:31 Jesus says “The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no greater commandment than these.” So that’s where I’m going to start and pray for guidance on the rest.

Lord I pray that all who read this find their calling, I pray that they find comfort in what they were created to do. I pray that we change the world for your kingdom. Amen.

I love you.

I share very few things on Facebook even less on the other social media outlets. It’s not because I have a problem with them I just don’t feel like I have much to share. I am more of a consumer than contributor as far as that goes.

Almost a year ago I shared a post that someone had written about rules to teach your son. I shared it because a lot of it really hit home with me. There were rules such as “Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.” “When entrusted with a secret, keep it.” “Give credit; take the blame.”

There was one on that list that has stuck with me ever since. It has caused sleepless nights and quiet car rides for almost a year now. “Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.” I have never spoken at a funeral, I never could. I don’t have the words plus it would be hard to talk through the tears. I have however wanted to at a number of them. What would I want said at my funeral?

I hope the life I have led would lead to many memories. Some stories about how much fun we had, laughing and joking. Maybe some people would remember me for my sense of humor, even though it is sometimes an acquired taste. There would undoubtedly be stories about how much I’ve cried, for a big guy I sure am a crybaby. I have held people when they’ve cried and thankfully I’ve had people willing to do the same for me. If I had my wish there would be stories of how much I loved people sometimes to a fault. The way I have loved even when it was foolish and completely one sided.

What if God was writing my eulogy, what would he say? Brad tried hard, but fell short. Brad forgave everyone, except himself. Brad loved people, just not Brad. Brad didn’t tell people about me the way he should. Brad spent way too long, way too far away from me.

While everyone of those are accurate I think God would say “Brad is my child, he is loved, he is forgiven, he is chosen, he is free!” He feels that way about all of us. Paul said in Ephesians 1:4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and he chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

I understand that someone will write my eulogy when I go. When it’s written I hope that they tell of how I have helped, how I have brought smiles, and most of all how I’ve loved. When my time on this earth is done don’t fret for me, for I will be in my Father’s house.

I love you.

There are many things in this world that I am certain of. I am certain that I love my family. I am certain most of my family loves me. I am certain that I have to eat less and exercise more. I am certain that when I leave this earth I want people to remember my heart.

The devil is the author of confusion. When things don’t make sense to me I often find that they are farther from God. This is why I am having so much trouble right now.

I am confused about the ways of this world, about the lack of caring for your fellow man, about the disregard for life. I watch the news everyday. I have since I was a kid. I may have to stop though to save my sanity. I like to believe in people, I like to think there is more good than bad in the world, I like to believe that we can all still love. Watching the news today is just a laundry list of people breaking one commandment after another.

I am confused by the division in our country based on the amount of melanin in our skin or the lack thereof. I am disheartened by the leaders of this country fueling the divisive behavior to advance political agendas. I am at a loss as to how we are to hate others according to political affiliation, color of their skin, country of origin, and socioeconomic status when Jesus plainly commanded us to love one another.

I am confused by the willingness of today’s culture to be so willing to walk away from God to save their feelings. To live in a “whatever makes you happy” society so they don’t feel convicted by God’s will. I don’t understand how we can find this in every facet of society including his bride, the church.

What I am most confused about is what I am called to do. How am I called to make things better, how am I to use the gifts that God have me to further his kingdom, how can someone like me ever do anything to change even one mind, and most of all why would he use me?

I pray for us as believers, as a country, even as a human race. I pray that we find an end to the violence, I pray for unity, I pray for us to follow God and not the world, and yes I pray for discernment and finding what someone like me can do to change even one mind. I ask that you join with me in these prayers, and that you join with me in getting back to loving one another just like Jesus told us to.

I love you.

Well here it is. Another trip around the sun on this great big rock, today makes 41. Another year of trying to be a better person, another year of failing. 365 days of trying to change for the better, only to end up yet again changing for the worse. One more year of trying to love like Jesus, and falling short everyday.

This has been a rough year for me. There have been some ups and a lot of downs. I have spent so much time in the valley I forgot what the mountain top sunlight felt like on my face. I’m not complaining though. I read somewhere that you learn more lessons in the valley than you will ever learn on the mountain top. I truly feel that.

One of the things I have learned over the last year is even though I struggle, even though I fall, even though I fail, I am loved. I take great solace in that fact. God has placed me here to do something, what it is I’m not sure, but when it comes I will be the most qualified to do it. I will be the one, no one can do a better job of what God created me for than I. I still struggle with what that is.

While no one can be a better Brad than I, I could most certainly be a better Brad. Some days I don’t think I could be much worse and on those days I am more grateful for the grace of our father, my family, and my friends than you’ll ever know. I will continue to try to be better. I will continue to try to change for the better. I will continue to try to love more like Jesus. I will continue to need your grace as I fail at all of these things.

Today I woke up, I didn’t want to celebrate, I didn’t want it to be my birthday, I didn’t want to admit that I had wasted another year, but all I can do is try to do better. Thank you to everyone who reads this it truly does mean the world to me.

I love you.

I saw something this morning that posed a question. It asked “What has love taught you?” That’s an awfully long list for a couple paragraphs. I honestly feel like I could go on all day about it.

Love taught me happiness and joy. You know that feeling you get when you know someone loves you, or even better when you love them. You get those butterflies that seem to pop up every time you hear their name, see their face, or better yet the elation you feel when you get to hug them tight.

Love taught me pain and hurt. In a lot of cases the more you love, the more you care, the more you get hurt. The hurt caused by love is varying and so very real. Have you ever loved someone that left, loved someone who didn’t feel the same way, or loved someone who you lost? That pain cuts like a knife to your soul and you will never be the same after.

Love taught me patience. As painful as that is it was a lesson I needed to learn. The Bible says “Love is patient” and Brad wasn’t. I wasn’t as patient with my family as I should’ve been, I had zero patience when it came to work, and the scary thing remains I was less patient with me than with anything else in this life. I have allowed the lack of patience to make me anxious, quick tempered, and sometimes down right mean.

Luckily after patience Love taught me forgiveness. As hard as patience was forgiveness made it look like a walk in the park. I struggle with forgiveness as I have written before, but it isn’t with others. I have overlooked all of the bad that has been done to me, I have moved past the pain caused by others, and I will continue to love them no matter how bad I was hurt. Some of them I have to love from afar but I never stop loving them none the less. My problem with forgiveness has always been with forgiving myself. I know my shortcomings, I know my failures, I know what kind of person I am inside, and how unlovable I can be.

While I tell you love has taught me all of these things, I don’t want you to think I have perfected them. I am still a work in progress, butI am so thankful for all that love has taught me. I am so thankful that I am given a heart to love. I am even more grateful that the creator of the universe loved us so that he sent his son to die for our sins, so that we may know what his Love feels like.

Thank you God for all of the lessons, thank you for redemption, thank you for your son, and thank you for still loving someone like me.

I love you.

I love the idea of what could be, in most cases. I adore the thought of the potential in a person place or thing. Have you ever thought about a possible outcome and gotten so excited you couldn’t contain it, if the outcome wasn’t what you hoped how did that make you feel?

A couple of years ago we took the kids to the Greensboro science center. After seeing some mixed reviews online I was trying to keep my expectations at a minimum. We were going to go regardless because the kids wanted to. What we found was a museum that was well put together, an aquarium that was beautiful, and we could get closer to the animals in the zoo exhibit than I ever imagined. I was blown away, the kids wouldn’t stop talking about it and they didn’t even ask to go to the gift shop, which for my kids is pretty impressive.

That is what I love about potential. If I had read the reviews, been put off, and skipped it all together we would’ve missed out on an amazing day. Instead of thinking how could this be good I decided to think more about how good this could be.

As most things in life there is also a down side to potential. I have been told there is something special in me, that I have a calling on my life, that I will make an impact. I don’t see what others see. I have doubt in me, I feel as though I have missed my calling, or ignored it all together, I do believe I will make an impact, but I am not convinced it will be a positive one. What I see is unrealized potential, wasted potential, potential failure.

I know this isn’t the way God created me. I know I was not created to be a slave to doubt, I was not made to be less than, God didn’t breathe life into me just so I could fail. So while I am focused on my failings God is working on my heart. He is showing me that while I may not be realizing the potential people saw in me, I am doing something right. While I may not be all good, Brad is not all bad. While I may spend a lot of days with tears in my eyes, I am still worthy of his Love.

As we work through life with those around us, those we love, don’t just tell them about what you think they could do, tell them how proud you are of what they’re doing now, and the impact they have made. Let them know that no matter what is in them, no matter how far they have to go, they are good enough right now.

I love you and you are making a difference.