Author: bradglenn79

Been talking to a cousin the last few days here and there and it has me putting things in perspective. I write, not because I feel like I’m good at it, because it allows me to get things out of my head, to get thoughts on “paper.” I thought about this while realizing what the things inside my head have caused.

Let me start off by saying I am so very thankful for all that was done for me, all the time given, and all the lessons taught by my uncle, but I have let it hold me back. “If you’re not going to be the best at it, then why bother doing it at all?” I can hear this question ringing in my head so loudly even to this day.

After talking to Chad about it I realize that he done it because he wanted me to realize the greatness he saw in me, greatness that I’ve never seen, and he left too early, too suddenly to tell me about. What my developing brain took from it was don’t do it if you’re not immediately great at it. To know why it left me feeling like there would be nothing I could ever do you’d have to know that man.

Have you ever met someone who was good at everything? Every sport came naturally, every task that seemed insurmountable to you they could accomplish in their sleep, everything you wanted to do they had done. Now this was not that man, because he was not good at anything instead he was GREAT at everything.

Later on in life I found things that he wasn’t so great at and I decided to overdo those, because that was going to be my way to impress him. I yearned for his approval for him to tell me what I had done what I had achieved was good enough, all the while letting his words dictate who I would become.

His words, that yearning, led me to fear trying new things. It led me to lay things down that I desperately wanted to do because I was scared I would never be great. While he intended those words to push me to try harder, to learn more, to never quit until I had mastered what I was doing, I allowed those words to limit me because I was scared of never being good enough.

Now at 43 maybe I’m finally grown enough to choose to understand the way they were intended. Maybe at 43 I will be able to use that as fuel to push forward and learn things I was scared to fail at. Quite possibly at 43 I will find my voice, find my place, achieve goals put in place by seven year old me. While I will never hear “I’m proud of you” from him maybe I will be able to tell myself in the mirror.

Today choose your words carefully, know they bring life, they set fire to passion, and fan flames that can and will change the world. They can also kill dreams, stop creativity, and plant seeds of self doubt that will leave a grown man questioning his worth.

I choose happiness, I choose love, I choose to be a better me.

I love you.

Boy let me tell you, inspiration is an interesting thing. It can come out of nowhere and have you a full mess in the middle of a Netflix comedy.

I have been out of work with COVID since Monday, starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There have been a lot of people less fortunate who have lost this same battle that has been an inconvenience for me. I feel for those people but my faith allows me to believe greater things await them.

With that being said while running a fever and not feeling like even getting out of bed entertainment streaming services have become a friend of mine. I have caught up on a lot of shows and watched some movies I didn’t know existed. I watched a movie today that had me in my feelings nearly from the opening credits.

It’s because it was a topic I could relate to. It was a movie about an overweight girl who didn’t fit society’s idea of beauty joining a pageant. Ok now that I’ve typed that out I think I may need to explain a little, maybe give a little context.

While all of you know I’m not a girl and I’m not entering a pageant, I am overweight, more than a hundred pounds if you ask my doctor, and I am not society’s idea of beauty. This movie centers around the struggle to be yourself, and to be accepted in a world you don’t necessarily “fit in.”

That is something that has been on my list of struggles for nearly as long as I can remember. I have been made to feel too fat, unattractive, unintelligent, and many times undesirable by people who I placed on pedestals and gave them power over who I “thought” I was. I gave people the power to destroy my self confidence by putting so much stock in their opinions discounting my own.

This movie has a ton of references to Dolly Parton who I love. In this movie they quote Dolly as saying “find out who you are, and do it on purpose.” The quote isn’t to find out who they think you are, it is about who you find when you’re looking in the mirror. That one soul that will be with you through thick and thin, from the cradle to the grave.

Why do we place so little stock in the opinion of ourselves? I know I’m hard on myself because I know all of the terrible things I’ve ever done, said, or thought. You know what else I know, every time I have ever helped someone who couldn’t repay me, every time I’ve ever done for someone when no one saw, everything that I have ever done while asking myself what I would do if that was Jesus that needed help.

So today I’m going to beg each of you to follow Dolly’s lead, to find out who you are, who you want to be, and to live that life on purpose.

I love you.

I find inspiration in life, in things I hear, things I read, and things that happen to me. Sometimes I find inspiration in pain, in failure, but I don’t write I push it down so I don’t have to deal with it. I keep it bottled up because honestly who cares.

Sometimes it takes a little nudge, a prod of someone new to get these thoughts out. In church today we had a guest speaker. He is telling a story of doubt and hurt. His story ended or began depending on how you look at it, at the question “where’s my flashlight?” For him the question was based around why others seem to be seeing God’s influence but he was left.

While this question may seem to be so unimportant to you this question changed my day, maybe my life. I have been so lost, in so much pain for so long. I have doubted everyone’s ability to love me. It’s not that they haven’t shown me, it’s based in my inability to accept it. I have experienced so much doubt in God’s ability to love me. I am so unlovable, so broken, so useless God made a mistake with me.

This question helped me to understand while I feel so alone I’m not. I’m not the only one who doubts, I’m not the only one who questions, I’m not alone in thinking God has forsaken me. I have been separated from God by choices I’ve made, by the actions of others, by accepting things said about me by people I held so high as truth, without considering what God says about me.

What I’ve never been is separated from God because he left, he has always been in the same place while I have run so far I couldn’t see the foot of the cross. God I have faith, I may lose sight of it. I am not the person you created me to be, but I’m on my way. I fail you daily, every second of we’re being honest but I’m trying. I want to end this life fulfilling your calling for me, I need you to move me out of my way.

It’s ok to lose your way, it’s ok to need help to find the path. It is not ok to accept where you are because someone told you that’s all you’d ever be. We are wonderfully made.

God I believe, but help me with my unbelief.

I love you.

This morning while sitting in church, a million things going on in my head my Pastor said something that got me thinking. “The first step to getting out of a cave is stepping into recovery.” When I heard this my mind went immediately to all of the recoveries we go through, and ended up on some that we may not see the same way.

I guess the one I immediately think of when I hear recovery is from something physical. A friend of mine had a freak accident last week and ended up with a bullet wound in his leg leading to a fractured bone. He is going to have to recover from surgery and recover from the gunshot wound.

In my life I have been around another major recovery, the recovery from addiction. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I have seen how debilitating it can be, I’ve watched it tear relationships apart, and destroy people who I thought were invincible. I have seen the celebration at the end of addiction in the life of recovery.

Today we were talking about recovery of yourself, your identity, who God created you to be. For me this one hit kinda hard. I have lost myself, who I am, the person I loved for more time than I care to admit. Recovery of that kind takes great wherewithal to know you’re missing and an amazing amount of strength to get you back.

Where I ended up was the kind of recovery that will shape the “Who” you will become on the back side. How long does it take to recover from a toxic relationship? To recover from being emotionally abused and made to feel less than in the eyes of someone who “loved” you and therefore in your eyes as well. How long does this recovery take?

What about recovery from demons inside your own mind. What about recovering from guilt, from shame, even from pride. How long does it take your mind to realize the footholds you have allowed these things to find, from the roots that have grown through your day to day? When this recovery happens who can you turn to, where can you find peace?

As often the case I don’t have answers I just have questions. I have been struggling through recovery, often alone, often in a miserable place, and always in pain. I have said before my misery doesn’t like company so I will suffer in silence. That stops here, for all of us. If you don’t have the support you need let me know I’ll be that support. If I can’t help, I can listen.

Never forget, I love you more!

I truly am blessed. I have had to bust my behind to get everything but I have been given the strength and ability to provide, to more than provide. I have been able to be very comfortable for most of my adult life because of the gifts I was given. Somedays I struggle with nothing, everything is lined up, and I am on top of the world. Days like today I struggle with existing.

You ask why, I really don’t have an answer. That is probably the hardest part. Waking up feeling like you’re at the end of your rope without the ability to tie a knot, and lacking the energy to hang on. It truly is scary because of the unknown.

I know I am loved. I have an amazing family, I have the greatest friends anyone could want, and yet I’m looking over the edge into a deep dark hole. For No Reason.

I know people will read this that don’t believe the way I do, they don’t believe in God or a higher power. For those people I ask for positive vibes, healing energy, love. For the Christians could you pray for me, right now I need guidance, I need a light in this abyss. I Need Hope!

If you’re reading this I Love You! If you know someone who isn’t reading this tell them I love them too.

Today is such a great day. Not because anything in particular happened but because of the day it is. Today my oldest granddaughter turned five.

Five years ago and six weeks early my little Rosey came into this world. My life forever changed that day. I love that little girl so much more than I thought would be possible. She has an adorable smile that could illuminate the darkest of your days. She has made a huge impact on who I am as a person.

I was going to write a heartfelt post about my little angel so I started going through pictures of her on my phone from when she was a baby, looking for just the right picture. One that could capture the personality this little girl shares with all of us.

While scrolling through pictures I came across one that made my heart just pause. In the beginning I told you she was six weeks early, so my little angel spent six weeks in the NICU before she could join us. There were complications and she spent a long time under lights and in incubators. When she was allowed to leave one of the first places she went was to my grandmas. They were overjoyed to meet her, to see her smile, to be able to hold her.

One of the first ones to hold her was my Aunt Betty. If any of you know me or you read back a little you’ll know that my Aunt Betty got sick and was not herself. One of the last pictures we got of her before then was holding my little Rosey. As I’m looking at that picture with tears in my eyes I began to think about the impact Rosey has had in her short five years, and the impact my Aunt Betty made in the 41 years she was my aunt.

You don’t have to be great to make a difference. All you need to do is Love to make an impact that will change the world for good, even if it just your little piece of the world.

Happy birthday Rosey. I miss you Aunt Betty. I love you both more than imaginable.

I love you!

I find inspiration in the oddest places sometimes. Today a friend commented on a Facebook post that asked the simple question “if you could sit on a bench, and talk to someone for an hour, who would it be?”

That question brought about a flood of emotion that I wasn’t ready for. I was faced with a question that I didn’t have a clear cut answer for. Who would it be, what would we talk about? The question didn’t specify alive or dead so there are so many options.

I imagine one of the most popular answers would be Jesus. I know he was definitely one of the first names that popped up. Would I feel worthy? Would I have any words or would I be speechless in his presence? Would I be able to handle the answers to the questions that have troubled me for so much of my life?

Another one for me would be my Great Grandma. We lived with my grandmother and her for a lot of my formative years. She battled dementia for a lot of those years. One of the things that stayed consistent was the fact that she never forgot who I was. She would tell me the same stories over and over and I would listen like I had never heard them. I would love to hear those stories one more time, and what made her remember me, why was I special?

One of the easiest would be my Poppy. That man had more impact on who I was and who I wanted to be. He taught me how to drive at five, of course it was just an old Murray riding lawn mower. He taught me how to shoot, my daisy BB gun. He would sit me in his lap and let me drive his Ford truck down Summerlin and Beck roads. He was my best friend. He died just a few days before my ninth birthday, I never got to tell him goodbye, I never got to make him proud, my whole world crumbled and has never been the same.

There are so many other loved ones that I’ve lost, before I was ready to let them go. So many questions I’d love to ask and things I want to know, but how could I sit with any of them for just an hour and then let them go again? Would I be more ready to let them go? Would it hurt as bad the second time, could it possibly hurt worse?

This is where the question takes a turn and gets really difficult. There are so many people in my life now that I love, that I would do anything in the world for, that I couldn’t imagine my life without. That I don’t spend enough time with, that I neglect, that I need to sit with them for hours. I’m a horrible communicator, an absent father, an estranged family member, and an even worse friend. I want to be better, I want to do more, I don’t want there to be a doubt when I go, just how I feel about everyone.

I love you, I’m sorry, and I’ll do better.

I used to write everyday, I used to have something to say, I used to feel like my words could change something, I used to feel like I had value to bring. Now I feel like a bird without a song. I start to write over and over, to try to clear my mind and end up abandoning a post midway through because it’s terribly written and won’t add value to this Earth. I am struggling more than I have in a while with my worth.

When I started writing it came naturally, almost like the words came from somewhere else. I know that sounds crazy to some, but honestly it doesn’t matter. I felt like I could share all of the stuff in my head and maybe someone would realize they weren’t alone. I could tell you all about the ways I have messed things up, the ways I tried to fix them, and what ended up happening, how I came to a resolve and gained peace with my life.

For months now I could tell you how I’ve messed up, I could tell you the things I’ve tried that have made things worse, but where I’m falling down is I couldn’t tell you where I found peace. Peace has eluded me at every turn. Things seem to be going good on the outside but there is a storm roaring inside of me, inside of my mind.

I have said in the past that my misery doesn’t love company. When things get tough and the tough get going, Brad shuts the doors and suffers in silence, behind a smile that is forced on everyday. With this said I’m not asking for pity, I’m only asking that if there are a few seconds spare could you say a prayer for me. I have been praying for guidance, for wisdom, for peace inside so the smile comes from my soul not from being forced.

Nothing’s changed I still love each and everyone of you dearly, I’m still here if you need me.

Love Always

I have been struggling here lately. Struggling with the things going on in the world, struggling with the things going on in my life, and struggling with the thoughts in my head. As many of you know my head is not a safe place for me. It’s often where I find most of my pain. I tend to get in my head and then allow my head to break my heart.

During this latest round of struggles I’ve been in I’ve seen a quote pop up repeatedly. It’s one of those that you see, you feel it, and then you go on about your day. Rarely crosses your mind again. “Just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” This one has stuck in my head for weeks.

How often are we overlooking the struggle of others? Are we helping out when we see someone bearing a weight that seems impossible? Are we paying close enough attention to see when someone is struggling? In this climate are we afraid to offer assistance because that person is different than us? There are so many questions that come to mind when I think about that quote. Here is the point where I would normally tell you to reach out, to help, and most of all to love. While all of that is still true it’s not going to clear my mind.

As I think about those questions and the way to identify that in others, what questions I can ask, and what ways I can help, it brings me back to me. How do I know when things have become too much for me? How do I know when there has been too much added to my plate? How do I determine when the weight of the world becomes too much to bear? I ask because I think I may be there today.

I have lived my life with the desire to be the strong one, the one everyone turns to when the bottom falls out, the one everyone wants when you feel like you’ve got nothing. Well congratulations Brad you got what you want, but you have too much. I never say no, my preacher told everyone from the stage a year ago that Brad was the one you went to when you wanted a yes. He isn’t wrong, I will find a way to yes. If it will put a smile on your face then I will go all the way to the gates of hell to make it happen.

In doing this I often overlook my needs. I no longer am concerned about me being happy, being healthy, or even feeling loved, I’m only concerned with making you happy, in being able to say yes. I get that way because seeing others happy, helping others gives me the greatest joy I’ve ever experienced.

I fear that this has caused me to buckle under the weight. That I have began to crumble at a rate that seems far too great to recover. I feel that I am being covered in debris from the world I am trying to hold together, and I am now unable to see the sun through the darkness. Say a prayer for me, God knows I need his help, he knows because he has set me apart, he knows me, and because I’ve begged him for it, but having a few extra prayers written in the book don’t hurt.

I have written many times that if you can’t find a light, be a light. While I still believe that’s true it’s really dark and I can’t seem to find my light.

May your best today be your worst tomorrow, and never forget I Love You.

Nineteen years ago life changed. For some it stopped for a moment, for some it stopped forever, for everyone of us it ceased to be the same. As hard as that day was I wish we could get back to the day after.

On this day 19 years ago I wasn’t feeling well. Sinuses always cause me a lot of problems in early spring and early fall, that year was no different. I had called in to work so I could take some meds, they always make me drowsy, and try to feel better.

Watching tv they break into the show that was on to tell about the plane striking the tower. There was talk about the what if’s, the mechanical failure, the pilots medical condition, all of the reasons why it may have happened. While we are watching and trying to figure out the root cause, the camera continues to roll as we see the other plane hit the second tower.

Most of America watches on tv as our greatest fear unfolds. We are watching as fathers, mothers, children are taken right before our eyes. We are watching as first responders run into buildings that are crumbling around them to save people they’ve never met, while their friends are being killed by debris.

That day was supposed to cause us to cower in fear. That action was supposed to create great panic in our country. The terror was supposed to tear us apart. What it did was unified us like never before. It didn’t matter what color you were, how much money you had, or what you believed, you were an American. We were unified against a common enemy, we had a common goal, We Would Not Be Shaken!

Where did that America go? Why can’t we get back to loving one another? Why do we as a populous allow politicians, media, and money drive us to live in such division?

I don’t talk about politics because I believe they are all wrong. I don’t believe one is worse than the other, and I don’t believe any of them have my best interest at heart. Are there problems in our society? Yes. Can they be fixed without all of the bloodshed? Also Yes.

I know there are people from all different walks of life that will read this. There are believers and non believers, black and white, gay and straight, and all of those are just in my family. No matter where you stand though I beg of you to do me a favor. If you’re a believer this should be second nature if you’re not still shouldn’t be too much for you.

There was a man named Jesus you may have heard of. I believe he was the son of God you don’t have to in order to get my point. He preached Love. You don’t have to love what someone does to love the person. You don’t have to believe what they believe to love them. You don’t have to look the same, act the same, think the same, or be the same to love someone. Love is the most natural emotion we experience.

Love when it’s hard. Love when it’s easy. Love when you have no idea what to do. We have the power to bring about change, do it through Love.

I love you.