Be Real

This content may come off a little different than my regular stuff. I hope you stick with me because I need to be real. I have lived my life with untreated ADHD. Which is not uncommon but sometimes I don’t think it’s understood very well. I am going to try to tell you how it feels from inside of my tortured mind.

I think the most common symptom or the one most associated with it is the inability to focus. That’s not actually how it feels to me. I will have times where I will laser focus on something. To the point where it seems as if everything else in the world disappears. There will come a point in that time where the task, the thing, the hobby, or the person will lose my attention for a second and my focus shifts and they no longer exist.

This is hard for me it has kept me from achieving many things in this life. I have given up hobbies that I enjoyed, I have left so very many tasks incomplete, and I have allowed it to destroy relationships that I cherished because I can’t keep it together once I lose focus.

The inability to shift focus back and forth has led to another feeling that I honestly struggle with more than anyone has ever known. When I can’t stay in touch, or can’t complete something, or don’t stick to a hobby my brain convinces me it’s because nothing I do is good enough. It never will be honestly.

I am always terrified that people are going to get mad about something I have said or the fact that I didn’t text them back and walk away from me forever. If someone doesn’t message me back or return my call I believe it’s because they hate me and I have lost someone else that was so very important to me.

It has caused me to not start things because I’ll never finish. It has convinced me that if I am not good at it the first time I try then I never will be. I have no time for a learning curve, I have no try it again because I am a failure when I couldn’t do it initially.

The praise that I have received for things I have done never sticks with me but the negative remarks never seem to go away. I often cry because of things that were said to me a decade ago even if someone told me yesterday I was doing a good job. This leaves me looking for validation and apologizing for things that don’t require an apology. It leaves me doubting my relationships and my place in peoples lives because of something said they don’t remember and I can’t forget.

This causes me to pull away if someone seems to be too busy, or if I think that I have upset them in any way. I break my own heart so they can’t, so they don’t have to.

It really seems to pop up when everything seems to be going right. My mind decides to sabotage everything in an effort to put everything back to status quo, back to normal operating conditions.

I am so tired of living like this. I want to be normal but I don’t want to be someone else. I don’t hate me right now, but things are going too good so I know it’s coming.

Thank you for your time, thank you for reading this far, I really appreciate you letting me get this off of my chest.

I Love You