Whirlwind, that’s how I would describe life lately. Inside, outside, where people can see, and definitely through the things I hide. There have been so many emotions, fears, doubts, sleepless nights, and days where I wish I could just stop the ride and get off, not for good just for a rest.
Being the strong one is easy for me when I have it all figured out. Here lately I haven’t even been close. I feel like I am heading in the wrong direction as fast as I can go, watching the life I want disappearing into the darkness in a ever so tiny rear view mirror.
I don’t deal with anxiety very well. I get through it but not before it has caused me significant issues. Worry is the worst for me. My Mama has always told me that worrying comes natural for me, because she has always been a worrier, however I think mine might be on another level.
A lot of my worry comes from self doubt and the uncontrollable need to have everything under control. I never feel like I am good enough, smart enough, or professionally successful enough. Unfortunately for me in this season of my life these seem to be never ending. Wave after wave of doubt, I can’t seem to get through one without getting knocked down by the next.
Dealing with these doubts have left me in almost constant fear and worry. Scared I won’t be good enough at work, scared I won’t be a good enough provider at home, and terrified I won’t be a good enough father.
I have found some peace in an analogy. I am a big fan of analogies. It allows me to more easily understand things sometimes. Currently I am living through what I call my “Bus” analogy, it’s not mine I know I heard it somewhere else I’m just not sure where. Basically I believe that in this life we are all on a bus, in a seat, working our way through this city we call life. I believe that everyone has a seat, a seat that belongs to you, made for you, comfortable for you. Now this seat isn’t without some hard times, rough patches, or some bumpy roads but you feel more comfortable in that seat than any other.
The tricky part is riding through the city in the wrong seat. It can be so very difficult. It’s because you’re living someone else’s life, their truth. You are going through trials that are meant for them, that they are equipped for, trials that will make them the person they are supposed to become. Now you are encountering these struggles, going through this pain because you are in the wrong seat. In some cases not only are you in the wrong seat you’re on the wrong bus entirely.
I feel like I have been in the wrong seat, on the wrong bus, fighting battles meant for others for so long I don’t know how to do it any other way. I live with so much fear inside, scared to change seats, change busses, scared to make a move not knowing if it will get harder, and just how much more I can pile on before I break.
I am working on overcoming the fear. Working on finding my seat. Working on finding myself, on the right bus heading in the right direction, to become the best version of myself.
If you’re in the same place as me just know I am praying for you. If you’re not in the same situation, if you’re living your best life, I’m praying for you too. We will get through, we will find our seat, we will be better tomorrow than we were today, and if not maybe the next day will be better.
I love y’all and thank you, each and everyone of you.
bradglenn79 