Ok so let me tell you. I have been on this journey for a little over 43 years. I have been through ups and downs as has everyone else. I don’t think my life was worse than yours, in a lot of ways I was truly blessed, but I have always, always, always struggled with self worth.
I have never felt qualified to do most of the things I do. To be honest most of the time I have felt insanely unqualified just trying to “fake it, till I make it” through my whole life. Just hoping no one found out that I truly had no idea what I was doing.
It has been like a movie at times. Sometimes I’m the star of the show (hush, I mean it’s my life). Other times I am an uncredited extra that is no more important than shear set filler. The problem with this is for it to be my life, I have spent way too much time as the extra with no speaking part, no back story, no importance.
When you’re just an extra you feel like no one notices, no one cares about you, your wants, your desires, your goals. You just exist. I got real good at doing that because I allowed myself to feel that, I have allowed myself to be treated that way, a lot of the time I put myself in that box.
I have been told I’m not good enough by so many people in this life. The bad part is very few of them were doing it to be mean. They were doing it to help me, to guide me, to push me toward something that was better suited for me. All I heard was the fact that I wasn’t good enough.
I’ve been disqualified from doing things I loved by people I once held on pedestals. Had my candle of hope snuffed out over their jealous desire to keep me where I was, or over a difference of opinion over some innocuous topic that in the grand scheme of this life meant nothing.
What hurt the most is the fact that I have disqualified myself from the love of God over the opinion of others. If they can’t love me and they don’t even know all of the bad I’ve done how can the all knowing love me? How can the creator of the universe love someone like me when I have failed at every single turn?
I will never be the man I should, it’s not for lack of trying it’s because I can’t be perfect. I will be the best version of me that I can be everyday. Some days that version will be worthy of your love, others he will be in need of your grace, and sometimes he will need your forgiveness. Just know that everyone of those days he will love you, appreciate you, and he will be trying.
When watching movies sometimes there’s a plot twist, something the actors, the audience, the crowd never sees coming. My life is no different, in my life the twist is, I Am Enough!
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
bradglenn79 