My writing has been sparse here lately. Not because I don’t have anything to say or because I don’t have anything going on. Maybe I have been shying away from writing because I have too much going on, too much to say, or too many feelings fighting to get out of my all too cluttered mind.
Lately the feelings of not being enough have been taking over me. They consume every waking second. I try to fill up every second so there isn’t a second for me to deal with those feelings. These feelings come from so much pain and hurt when I was younger, so many feelings that I ran from or pushed down so I didn’t have to deal with them.
Was I ever truly enough for anyone? Was my best ever good enough? Was I ever worthy of being loved, for who I was, not just what I could or would do? Would I ever hear that I was?
I have told you before there has been a lot of loss in my family, in my life. I know it’s something we all deal with, but in the last few years the loss has come like an unrelenting hurricane. There has been some kind of misfortune, unfortunate event, or the death of a loved one every time I turn around it seems.
One of the most circulated idioms we as Christians have is “God gives his hardest tests to his strongest soldiers”. If I am to believe that’s true then God thinks I am much much stronger than I am. I can’t find that anywhere biblically so I am going to call that false. God gives us more than we can handle every day of our life, in hopes that we turn to him to find strength. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. The most important part to take note of is that it doesn’t say I can do all things “By My Self”.
I am struggling with these feelings as my Daddy lays in an ICU bed on a ventilator. I spent most of my feeling like he didn’t love me, like he didn’t want me, like I was an embarrassment to him. Why else wouldn’t a father want to have his son with him all the time, why else wouldn’t he be there to get me when he said he would, why else would he have chosen living his life without me than with me? I have cried tears of sadness, hurt, and mostly anger over that for so many years.
When I was grown I started to understand that it wasn’t a me problem. My daddy loved me with his whole heart he just struggled with other things. My daddy wanted me in his life but didn’t want to expose me to things he was dealing with. My daddy wasn’t embarrassed by me. It took a long time for me to understand he wasn’t a bad daddy he done all he could to protect me.
If you have a minute to spare say a prayer for my Daddy. He is a great man who I love more than he even knows.
I love you and thank you.
bradglenn79 