Finally

I’ve written and deleted this more times than I can count. I have tried to put the words to paper falling short every time. I try to live a life of faith, a life where I try to follow God’s plan, a life where I love all people no mater what their struggle is. I struggle with feeling good enough, with being the man I am called to be, I even struggle with not being positive that God loves me.

I have heard so many times in this life that “if you’re not in the middle of a storm, then one is on the way”. I know the storm part to be true. There are so many trials in this life. My problem is I rarely am in between storms. I seem to be in constant turmoil. Before I get through a storm, when I can just see the end, the clouds get thicker, darker, more ominous, and here comes another round. I spend more time in the valley not even being able to see the sun than I am comfortable admitting. I struggle to find the light, the drive, the desire to keep pushing forward, sometimes to the point that I’m not sure if I want to continue the fight.

Today I read “the size of the storm is often an indication of the significance of your life”. If this is true then there must be something great coming out of my life. If this is a fact then God has more faith in me than I. I know the Bible says God can use anyone, no matter their past. I often feel that I have been too far away, that I am too far gone, that anyone that would follow me isn’t planning on going the way I am struggling to go. God, have you picked the wrong soul? Have you picked a soul that was too far gone? Have you shown the way to someone unable to lead others to your presence?

Today I have finally been able to get the words out, I have been able to admit my fears, I have been able to say I am a failure. I am struggling, I am trying, I praying, I am loving, and I am hoping. Lord I pray that when I get to the end of this life I have changed someone’s life, that I have lead someone to you, and that my life ended up being significant.

I will continue to move forward and pray you’ll continue to order my steps. I will continue to tell people my story and pray it makes a difference in someone’s life. I will continue to live a life of showing everyone unconditional love so they will feel they are good enough, they have a purpose, and they are loved.

I love you.