Sometimes

This post has taken some time. Not so much time to write but more time to decide how much I should share, how much I should open up, and ultimately how much I can let people in. As with most people there are different sides to me. To the outside person I may even appear as two different people in one body.

First there is the confident Brad. He is the one we like the most. Confident Brad thinks he can do anything and normally does a damn good job at making it happen. People love being around that me. We have fun, we laugh, and dance. That me is the life of the party. There is a little of that me that leads into the other me. Confident Brad’s biggest flaw is that my happiness is closely tied to making other people happy.

That leads into the other me, the opposite side of the same coin if you will. My other side is not confident in anything other than the fact that he will let people down daily. That me struggles with feelings of being good enough. Struggles with not being smart enough, strong enough, good looking enough, and no one will ever love me unconditionally because I am not enough. It takes a toll on confident me. No one wants to be around not good enough me. No one smiles no one dances and no one enjoys theirselves when that me is present. It drives the feelings of inadequacy.

There has been a struggle my whole life to hold the two together and be the real me. I have always had to be strong always had to be there for people when they are struggling. I love the fact that people look to me for that. It means I make a difference I make them feel more at ease, but that also means I don’t get time to feel weak. I can’t have time to fail, time to pick myself back up, time for Brad to not be ok. Sometimes you’re not going to be ok, sometimes you’re going to feel less than, you’re going to feel like you can’t be used for anything positive. At these times it is important to look to the ones who you have helped stay strong, because they know the feeling and no one wants you to suffer alone. Like before I am always here I will stand in the gap for you and we will get through together.